March 6, 2010 Right
I can’t wait til we’re on our feet. I feel us getting there, but it’s so exhausting working towards this sort of peace–so many logistics, so much trial and error. So much to watch out for. You pursue the future but still need to take care of today’s needs. You need stretches of time to dive into things, but time is precious, time is a commodity, it is money and it is escaping at 186,000 miles per second.
So you’re left with space, with the space of this cold, wind tunnel of a city. You like the anonymity, you like riding the subway with strangers all around you, but then you wish for neighbors too. You wish for the ease of college dorm life, for the warmth of a small town. You wish the buses here weren’t so erratic, that they didn’t take 20, 30 minutes to come. You wish there were more cafes with old sofas and porcelain mugs instead of the overcrowded Starbucks on every corner with the one tiny table by the window, the one that is not level so your coffee makes little spills whenever you shift your body.
I keep trying to find a pulse, a beat, a rhythm. I think I hear it, faintly. But I can’t move with it yet. I need to empty myself out and, at the same time, remember who I was five years ago, when I chased the sounds to the ends of the earth and thumped it out right every time.
You know what I mean, you more than anyone.
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